#22 ~ Sex Chronicles....Oh boy!

On the day of May 23, 2014, I was super excited because I was about to marry my best friend! It was truly the happiest day of my life! I often thought about how he would look when he first saw me enter the church, if I would trip on the walk to him, and if my hair would stay in place for pictures. All the while, I couldn't stop thinking about the most important question of all: How would I be in the bedroom? I was SUPER DUPER WOOPER nervous! My husband was super handsome but he also had more experience than me due to past. On the other hand, I had NO idea what I was doing. I begin to undergo intense physical training as if I was entering the National Olympics. I did Zumba on a daily basis, crunches, sit-ups, push-ups...you name it! However, it all hit me one day when the Lord reminded me of something very important....my honeymoon night wasn't an event or a show. It was an experience with my husband that would go on forever and ever as long as we kept the passion flaming in our marriage.

Though it was okay for me to be eager and excited, the Lord showed me that it was not about my performance because I had FOREVER to perfect it. Many times people become so encompassed with getting married to overcome their desire to have sex. However, I have a news flash for you! There are 24 hours in a day and you will not be having sex all day every day like rabbits. Marriage consists of so much more than sex and intimacy goes beyond the physical aspect of it that includes sex. Once you understand that intimacy begins on a mental level, translates into the emotional part of you and then evolves into physical, you'll be much better off. It's essential to realize that even if you get married and you've had sex before, it's a different experience when you have sex with your spouse.

Historically, when Greek women got married they would show the blood on their cloths to the town to prove that they had been intimate with their husband. This also was a display of the covenant that had been formed by the blood shed. The key word here is COVENANT. In the same way, once you become married, you are forming a covenant between GOD and your spouse. (Mark 10:9 ~ Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.")

Further, the Word of GOD speaks of the marriage covenant in Malach 2:14-16, "You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth...though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant." GOD is a GOD of covenant and relationship. He honors his covenant with his people which is evidenced several times in his Word from him keeping his promise to Abraham and Moses by protecting the children of Israel to his promise to Noah to never flood the Earth again as he did when the ark withstood the detriment of the land being filled with water. GOD HONORS COVENANT. Therefore, we must ensure that we honor our covenant with him and our spouse as well.

Our covenant with our spouse is strengthened when we stay committed to each other and to the call on our lives to each other. Additionally, the covenant is strengthened when we strive to love them like JESUS on a daily basis in spite of their weaknesses and their faults. The key to doing so is showing grace in realizing that we TOO need grace because we TOO have weaknesses and faults.

Once you learn to love your spouse mentally and seek to understand their thoughts, you have stimulated their minds. This is mental intimacy. When your spouse feels free to share their hopes, dreams and aspirations with you, they have reached a place of true comfort and have become mentally open, vulnerable and intimate with you. And this level of intimacy goes far deeper than sex alone.

When your spouse feels comfortable to share their feelings, even the ones that may seem embarrassing, this is emotional intimacy. When they feel comfortable to share their worries, doubts and fears with you, they are emotionally open and thus being emotionally intimate with you. This is emotional intimacy and true vulnerability. And this goes far deeper than sex alone.

Due to the fact that mental and emotional intimacy should come first leading to physical intimacy being extremely fulfilling, I enjoy each aspect of intimacy with my husband. I love our long talks about our visions and goals with the same amount of passion that I have when he opens up to me about his fears and concerns. This passion for both mental and emotional intimacy matriculates into the physical aspect of intimacy and makes that part of it somewhat easy. I realized that I'm not on trial or taking a final exam when I'm being physically intimate with my husband. I'm simply showing him my love, being completely open and vulnerable and worshipping GOD all at the same time. It gets no better than that!

I remember reading a book by First Lady Serita Jakes the week before I got married that truly changed my life. It's titled, Beside Every Good Man: Loving Myself While Standing By Him and it talks about how to love yourself while being your husband's help meet and walking alongside him as he accomplishes his God-given destiny and purpose. In the book, she also discusses how to truly be free in marriage and be free with your husband physically. I compared it to falling on a soft cloud and knowing that its comfort would be like nothing you've ever felt before or to someone falling backwards into the arms of someone who they KNEW they could trust and who would be there to catch them. When you have trust, you also have openness and vulnerability therefore making it easy to be free sexually with your spouse.

Dear heart, if you're feeling like me and wondering if you'll know how to perform sexually and physically when you get married, STOP your worry and ERASE your doubt. You will have forever to perfect this gift from GOD. Your job is merely to worship GOD with your husband or wife in this way and let GOD take control. It's all created for his glory.

Nuggets to remember:
1) Sex is not a show and you are not on stage.

2) Intimacy doesn't start with sex. Intimacy goes much deeper than sex.

3) Intimacy begins with mental and emotional intimacy. Embrace your spouse's thoughts, fears and emotions and the physical part will be a piece of cake.

4) Sex is seen as worship to GOD because he created it ALL for his glory. So have rest and peace and get rid of your worry and doubt.

God Bless!
~CW