#28 ~ "Tomayto or Tomahto?"

What do you get when you mix Garrett's popcorn with mason jars? North meeting South! Or Midwest meeting South rather. Either way, you're getting a blend of two different areas coming together as one. This is exactly what happened when I married my husband. There was such a blend of cultures and norms that I had to realize something very important: my husband and I were NOT the same! Who'd a thunk it?

My husband was born and raised in the city of Chicago, while I was raised in the suburbs of North Carolina. We were also raised very different and have different personalities. I was accustomed to men washing cars on the weekends, mowing the lawn and taking care of the bills and budget. However, I had to realize that Keith rode the bus before he got a car because he lived in the city, mowed the lawn occasionally because he had other brothers and would prefer for me to take the lead on creating the budget. At first, this all seemed fine. But there were times where I would get SO UPSET! And the worst part was that he didn't even know why I was upset....the key word: unspoken expectations! This wasn't fair to my husband at all but I assumed that he would wash my car or take it to the carwash automatically and take lead of the budget as well. Even though we had already discussed our strengths and weaknesses, and I had agreed to doing our budget, I went into spoiled brat mode and wanted him to do the things I was raised seeing.

The biggest breakthrough came when I realized that my husband couldn't read my mind or know my expectations without us talking about it. How was he supposed to know? He wouldn't! Thus, the key to marriage especially for newlyweds is to understand that you may be from two different worlds!! Even if you were both raised by single mothers or raised with two parents, chances are that you probably had differences in the way you both were raised and the norms of your households. Don't expect your spouse to automatically know your silent expectations.

When I'm sick, I like to be catered to and then left alone to rest with constant check-up. My husband on the other hand wants you to give him meds and leave him alone- no check-in, no check-up, no nothing! Soooo...this was hard for me! I love hugs and touch because they are one of my love languages so I wanted to check-in constantly and ensure that I was giving affection but he didn't like it at all. Though he appreciated my love, he would often have to remind me that he preferred to be left alone while he was sick. Another example of our differences is in our personalities at home. I am a very outgoing, lively, vibrant person and at home though I do like to settle down and relax, I thought it was best to greet my husband with an outgoing spirit and charm! NOT QUITE! Though my husband has a larger than life personality outside of our home, he loves to have chill/relax time as soon as he arrives. He loves to be greeted and then maybe have a little discussion. But he values his quiet, alone, wind-down time. I definitely understand this more now but I think that my newlywed excitement caused me to not want to be away from him once he got home. I wanted to be with him when he walked in the door, talk to him through the bathroom door about his day, ask him what he wanted for dinner, talk about his day and cuddle. I know...I know...it sounds like A LOT! But I love being in my husband's presence and we both value quality time, but I learned that this was not exactly the way he preferred. He likes to come home, be greeted by me, tell me briefly how his day went and then take a wind-down moment alone. After his wind-down moment, he's back "on" and we discuss in detail our days and other things that are on our hearts and minds at the time.

You and your spouse being different is NOT a bad thing. It's definitely a plus. I mean who doesn't like sweet tea and lemonade mixed together? It's a great combination! But you must learn to accept these differences, seek to understand them and remember that you're not your spouse and he's not you. Whether you say tomayto or tomahto, it doesn't matter. You're still speaking the same word, just in a different variation.

(Psalm 133:1 ~ How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity!)

Nuggets to remember:
1) Communicate your expectations and thoughts. I'm sure your spouse has many talents, but I know that reading minds isn't one of them.

2) Understand their differences and learn to accept them 100%.

3) Implement the change. If they don't like something a particular way, make sure you don't do it that way. Don't continue to try to push your way of doing things onto them. They are NOT you!

4) Don't nag about the small things. Dwell together in unity and love and when you do, you'll experience a home of peace and joy.

God Bless!
~ CW