#22 ~ Sex Chronicles....Oh boy!

On the day of May 23, 2014, I was super excited because I was about to marry my best friend! It was truly the happiest day of my life! I often thought about how he would look when he first saw me enter the church, if I would trip on the walk to him, and if my hair would stay in place for pictures. All the while, I couldn't stop thinking about the most important question of all: How would I be in the bedroom? I was SUPER DUPER WOOPER nervous! My husband was super handsome but he also had more experience than me due to past. On the other hand, I had NO idea what I was doing. I begin to undergo intense physical training as if I was entering the National Olympics. I did Zumba on a daily basis, crunches, sit-ups, push-ups...you name it! However, it all hit me one day when the Lord reminded me of something very important....my honeymoon night wasn't an event or a show. It was an experience with my husband that would go on forever and ever as long as we kept the passion flaming in our marriage.

Though it was okay for me to be eager and excited, the Lord showed me that it was not about my performance because I had FOREVER to perfect it. Many times people become so encompassed with getting married to overcome their desire to have sex. However, I have a news flash for you! There are 24 hours in a day and you will not be having sex all day every day like rabbits. Marriage consists of so much more than sex and intimacy goes beyond the physical aspect of it that includes sex. Once you understand that intimacy begins on a mental level, translates into the emotional part of you and then evolves into physical, you'll be much better off. It's essential to realize that even if you get married and you've had sex before, it's a different experience when you have sex with your spouse.

Historically, when Greek women got married they would show the blood on their cloths to the town to prove that they had been intimate with their husband. This also was a display of the covenant that had been formed by the blood shed. The key word here is COVENANT. In the same way, once you become married, you are forming a covenant between GOD and your spouse. (Mark 10:9 ~ Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.")

Further, the Word of GOD speaks of the marriage covenant in Malach 2:14-16, "You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth...though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant." GOD is a GOD of covenant and relationship. He honors his covenant with his people which is evidenced several times in his Word from him keeping his promise to Abraham and Moses by protecting the children of Israel to his promise to Noah to never flood the Earth again as he did when the ark withstood the detriment of the land being filled with water. GOD HONORS COVENANT. Therefore, we must ensure that we honor our covenant with him and our spouse as well.

Our covenant with our spouse is strengthened when we stay committed to each other and to the call on our lives to each other. Additionally, the covenant is strengthened when we strive to love them like JESUS on a daily basis in spite of their weaknesses and their faults. The key to doing so is showing grace in realizing that we TOO need grace because we TOO have weaknesses and faults.

Once you learn to love your spouse mentally and seek to understand their thoughts, you have stimulated their minds. This is mental intimacy. When your spouse feels free to share their hopes, dreams and aspirations with you, they have reached a place of true comfort and have become mentally open, vulnerable and intimate with you. And this level of intimacy goes far deeper than sex alone.

When your spouse feels comfortable to share their feelings, even the ones that may seem embarrassing, this is emotional intimacy. When they feel comfortable to share their worries, doubts and fears with you, they are emotionally open and thus being emotionally intimate with you. This is emotional intimacy and true vulnerability. And this goes far deeper than sex alone.

Due to the fact that mental and emotional intimacy should come first leading to physical intimacy being extremely fulfilling, I enjoy each aspect of intimacy with my husband. I love our long talks about our visions and goals with the same amount of passion that I have when he opens up to me about his fears and concerns. This passion for both mental and emotional intimacy matriculates into the physical aspect of intimacy and makes that part of it somewhat easy. I realized that I'm not on trial or taking a final exam when I'm being physically intimate with my husband. I'm simply showing him my love, being completely open and vulnerable and worshipping GOD all at the same time. It gets no better than that!

I remember reading a book by First Lady Serita Jakes the week before I got married that truly changed my life. It's titled, Beside Every Good Man: Loving Myself While Standing By Him and it talks about how to love yourself while being your husband's help meet and walking alongside him as he accomplishes his God-given destiny and purpose. In the book, she also discusses how to truly be free in marriage and be free with your husband physically. I compared it to falling on a soft cloud and knowing that its comfort would be like nothing you've ever felt before or to someone falling backwards into the arms of someone who they KNEW they could trust and who would be there to catch them. When you have trust, you also have openness and vulnerability therefore making it easy to be free sexually with your spouse.

Dear heart, if you're feeling like me and wondering if you'll know how to perform sexually and physically when you get married, STOP your worry and ERASE your doubt. You will have forever to perfect this gift from GOD. Your job is merely to worship GOD with your husband or wife in this way and let GOD take control. It's all created for his glory.

Nuggets to remember:
1) Sex is not a show and you are not on stage.

2) Intimacy doesn't start with sex. Intimacy goes much deeper than sex.

3) Intimacy begins with mental and emotional intimacy. Embrace your spouse's thoughts, fears and emotions and the physical part will be a piece of cake.

4) Sex is seen as worship to GOD because he created it ALL for his glory. So have rest and peace and get rid of your worry and doubt.

God Bless!
~CW

#16 ~ Your Greatest Weapon

Have you ever been in an argument and wondered how do I win? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way but in an argument, I used to want to have the last word. Not only did I want to have the last word but I wanted it to be a "drop the mic" last word that was profound and made my point crystal clear! I would feel as though I just went to war and WON! Heyyyyy!! Him- 0, Chazle' 1! One day I finally realized that my words and my "drop the  mic" moment meant nothing. We were a team so how could I feel as though I had won when I went against my teammate. There's nothing worse than seeing a basketball team or a football team lose all because they are trying to outdo each other instead of working together toward a common goal. (Matthew 12:25 ~ Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.)

I was immediately convicted and realized that I had not won, but actually I had lost. I had failed the God-given test to use my greatest weapon: PRAYER. Most wives are told prior to marriage and even during marriage that you must take care of your husband by making his meals after work, cleaning the house, being intimate with him on a regular basis and making him comfortable at home in any way possible. Although all of these things are relevant and true, they mean NOTHING if you're not praying for your spouse. Fellas, you may think that you need to provide for your wife or future wife, take care of the children, mow the lawn, take care of the home by doing handy work, and protecting your family at all costs. And in the same way, though these things are great, they mean nothing with your prayers.

Prayer is the most powerful weapon that Christians have as we navigate through life because it is our direct line of communication to GOD. Matthew 21:22 says, And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” Additionally, the Bible tells us about instances when the people of GOD were going through hard times and they found refuge in prayer. Therefore, in the midst of a storm, trial or argument, you don't need to fight with your negative words or actions. It won't help the situation, nor will it help your marriage. Your greatest weapon is to get out of doing what's best and feels best for you at that moment and think maturely. At that moment, you are both offended and upset. Therefore, fueling the fire won't do anything but cause it to spread. Take a moment...cool off and in the midst of the cool off, PRAY!

As men and women who live in this world, we face a lot on a daily basis from work duties bogging us down, our boss and their demands seeming unattainable, and school work piling up with each day to being concerned about the bills, making sure the children are not driving you crazy, and keeping your house in order. Along with all of these things, you still have to maintain your spiritual wellness by making sure you have your whole armor of GOD on you to fight against the enemy's devices, ensure that you get your quiet time with the Lord in the morning, and try to get your  mind submerged in the Word of GOD and worship on your way to work. Whewww!! It's A LOT! So the key is to make sure you are praying for your spouse. They have to endure a lot during the day and what better way to help them than to pray for them to the ONE person who can help them through it all: JESUS CHRIST!

Additionally, the beauty of it all is that the Lord will never put more on you than you can bear. He knows every plan for you and has already orchestrated how each day will begin and end. So when we're navigating through life and feeling overwhelmed, he will give us exactly what we need to survive and to thrive. Rest in that thought and rest in him. (Psalm 107:28-30 ~ Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven.)

The war that we endure on a daily basis is not physical, emotional or even mental. The wars that we endure are spiritual battles, thus requiring us to use spiritual weapons. The bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:4, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds." We must grab to hold of this powerful Word!! This scripture tells us that our weapons are not carnal, but spiritual and mighty. Our weapons have the power to pull strongholds down and defeat the enemy! That means you have the greatest weapon of all to overcome the enemy's tactics, devices and attacks: PRAYER. You have the ability to speak directly to GOD about your problems and ask him to help you endure and to ask him to mold you and shape you to be right in his sight.

During our times of test, we have to stop thinking in the mindset of "Lord, get me out of this" and change our thinking instead to "Lord, what are you trying to get out of ME?" This will allow us to turn our eyes and focus to the fixer of our faith. Additionally, changing our perspective will help us pray differently. We will pray for our spouses to endure tests and trials, pray for the Lord to provide them with what they need, pray that the Lord would cover them, and most importantly, pray for their minds, hearts and emotions to be set in accordance to your will. After praying for our spouse, we must also pray that we ourselves would be in right standing with the Lord. It's not okay to pray, "Lord please FIX him/her because s/he's X, Y & Z! Get him/her Lord!" No dear heart. This can't be so. We must learn to pray with compassion and grace realizing that we need JESUS just as much as our spouse. Extend grace and pray! The bible tells us to pray without ceasing! 1 Peter 5:8 says, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." Don't allow the enemy to catch you off guard ready to be devoured. Be on guard and stay armed with your greatest weapon: PRAYER.

Nuggets to remember:
1) "Winning" an argument with your spouse is not winning. You are a team and therefore cannot prosper divided amongst each other.

2) Your greatest weapon in times of trouble or frustration is not to do what feels good to you. Be mature and see the bigger war going on.

3) As you pray for your spouse, pray for yourself as well so that you BOTH may be in right standing with the Lord. Extend grace to understand that you both need the help of JESUS.

4)The war we fight is not carnal, but spiritual. Therefore, you must use spiritual weapons, with the greatest one being prayer!

God Bless!
~CW

#17 ~ It's ONE day!

From the time I was a little girl, I remember planning my entire wedding and honeymoon. I envisioned a tall, dark and handsome groom, a beautiful bridal party, beautiful weather with the birds chirping and a day of no stress and pain. The honeymoon in my mind was somewhere warm and relaxing near water and consisted of nothing more than rest, relaxation and fun in the sun. I'm sure I'm not the only woman who has envisioned her wedding for years. And fellas, although you may not have planned your wedding as a little boy, I'm sure you envisioned your ideal woman and wife. It's a beautiful thing to think about your future with that one special person that GOD designed to be your spouse. However, in the midst of planning my big wedding, I have noticed something very important that allows me to decrease my stress: It's ONE day!

Marriage is soooooo much more than a one-day ceremony where every detail matters and every moment counts. Don't get me wrong...I am THRILLED about our big wedding. I'm excited about celebrating our marriage with our family and friends. I'm excited to look like a Queen that day with my dress, veil and entire bridal get-up. However, since I am already married I have learned that the key to marriage is what you establish BEFORE the ceremony.

My husband and I were counseled by my spiritual father, Pastor Philip A. Mitchell, and received knowledge and nuggets that have sustained us during our hard times of marriage. The lessons we learned in our counseling will stay with us for the rest of our lives. We covered topics such as: sex in marriage and your expectations, managing finances, learning to compromise and etc. Each session was amazing and filled with transparency and wisdom. Due to the fact that my husband and I were in different states at the time, we did our counseling via Skype and Oovoo. We were determined to build a strong foundation for our marriage and understood the importance of receiving counsel.

Before you are able to become a lawyer, you must receive preparation and go to law school. Before you can operate on anyone as a doctor, you must go to medical school. Before you are able to style someone's hair in a professional setting, you must go to cosmetology school. All of these life ventures and goals require preparation and training before you are able to fully embrace tasks associated with each career. Why? Because who wants a lawyer who hasn't received the foundations of law? And do you want someone operating on you or your family member without the foundation of the body and how to do an operation? Absolutely not!

In the same regard, you can't expect to thrive and succeed in your marriage if you haven't received proper Godly, wise counsel prior to saying "I Do." It's vital and essential and means much more than the details of the pew bows, aisle runners and candelabras that will fill the ceremony venue. I'm not saying to neglect the details of your dream wedding, but don't do so at the cost of forgetting what's key: Invest in your marriage! Get wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7 ~  The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.)

My husband and I are soooo grateful for the teachings we received from our counseling and extend that same wisdom to others. My husband has officiated 2 weddings to date and has counseled each couple beforehand with the same curriculum we completed. Each couple has been forced to learn and/or think deeper about each other's love language, make decisions about who will manage the finances of their home, and discuss ways to compromise and make decisions in the home. All of these lessons include valuable nuggets that we pray will stay with these couples forever and ever because they are truly what hold your marriage together.

When you and your spouse come together, you are coming together as one with GOD at the center of your marriage. Therefore, you are coming together as a three-strand cord that will not be easily torn apart IF you keep CHRIST at the center. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." The bible also tells us in Mark 10:9, "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." This scripture is so powerful in that it means when GOD brings and joins you and your spouse together, NO ONE will be able to separate it unless you allow them to do so.

Keep your cord strong and centered around CHRIST! Steve Wonder sang, "We can't lose with GOD on our side..." and Hillsong similarly sang, "Jesus at the center of it all..." Make him the core and the glue of your marriage and you will find that it is stronger than you doing it on your own.

Nuggets to remember:
1) Don't allow stress to consume you. The wedding is ONE day! Your marriage is a lifetime.

2) Invest in your marriage by making counseling a priority. Sacrifice your time and take those nuggets and lessons to heart.

3) Remember that what GOD has joined together, no one can separate unless you allow them to do so.

4) A three strand cord is NOT easily broken. Keep CHRIST at the center and at the core of your marriage and you will succeed.

God Bless!
~CW

 

#18 ~ What's in your ear?

In today's society, we have soooo many things influencing us on a daily basis. We have the constant penetration of the media and their perception of recent news stories. We have TV shows, movies and even social media sites like Facebook and Instagram that have an influence on us by affecting our thoughts, opinions and ideas on a daily....sometimes hourly basis. So what do we do with those thoughts? How do we keep them under control? I have learned that we must take every thought captive. (2 Corinthians 10:5 ~ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.) In order to be more like JESUS, we must fill ourselves with things and ideas that reflect who he is. We must ensure that our thoughts are pure, lovely, true and edifying. (Phil. 4:8 ~ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.)

When you first get married or even before you say "I Do," you will encounter a lot of marriage "experts." They will tell you their stories and how their first years of marriage were for them and their spouse, tell you about the problems they faced and etc. You will also face those who are not married and have never been married but will feel that they have "wisdom" on how marriage will most likely be. The next group of people you will hear from will be those who were married and are no longer married but they are pros in what you MUST do and what you must NOT do. Don't get me wrong...everyone's intentions are most likely to help you and encourage you. However, you have to understand that your story is your story. No one's marriage will be exactly alike because no one person is exactly alike.

I encourage you to take wisdom from married couples who have healthy marriages. Additionally, I would take wisdom from someone who has been married and notices the mistakes and downfalls from their marriage. In that regard, they are able to properly inform you on what you should avoid and how you can ensure that your marriage succeeds and thrives. The Bible is very clear on the importance of gaining wisdom. Proverbs 4:6-8 says, "Do not abandon wisdom, and it will watch over you. Love wisdom, and it will protect you. The beginning of wisdom is to acquire wisdom. Acquire understanding with all that you have. Cherish wisdom."

The essential part about gathering wisdom is to ensure that the couple or person from which you are getting wisdom has a desire to be Godly and have a Godly marriage. These are the ONLY type of people you will want and need in your ear because they are speaking in line with the word of GOD. You don't want anyone who speaks contrary to the word of GOD to be in your ear. You must learn to guard your heart and your ears from opinions that can potentially have a negative influence on you.

In my marriage, I have learned that there are key couples that my husband and I love to counsel with for wisdom. It's essential to have go-to couples or married friends that can counsel you through hard times and speak LIFE into your marriage. We thank GOD for these amazing friends because they help us become better spouses to each other and they challenge us in our wrongdoings. You want someone like this is your ear. You don't want someone who's speaking death over your marriage.

What does speaking death look like? Well I'm glad you asked. It's that person or that influential TV show or movie that says "Give up on your marriage." "If it's not working, move on," "If he/she isn't satisfying you, find someone else to fill the void," He/She is acting up...get physical to get them in check." All of these negative influences and thoughts can RUIN a great marriage when you have the wrong things and/or people in your ear! GUARD YOUR EAR!

There are have been instances in my marriage where I have been sooooo upset about something and I didn't know what to do at that moment due to being inexperienced in dealing with marital issues. I would often pray about the situation, ask GOD to help me see the situation clearly, and ask GOD to give me wisdom on how to move forward. But I also thank GOD for the amazing married friends and couples who he's placed in my life. I have called one of my best friends who's married several times, texted another at random hours, texted my spiritual father's wife and I've read books written by women who have healthy marriages and desire for yours to thrive. It has truly changed my life! My married friends have encouraged me in hard times and helped me focus on the call on me and my husband's life. They have given me GODLY perspective on situations and they have prayed with me in the midst of the storm. I am forever grateful and I am praying that you too will be blessed with influential people who can be in your life and in your ear.

Once you become married or if you're already married, you must ensure that you are surrounded with people who are rooting for the success of your marriage and not secretly praying for its demise. Fellas, you will want to be around your friends who respect your marriage and your commitment to your wife, not the friend who's trying to keep you living a single life. No sir! Ladies, you will want to be around your girlfriends who are happy for you being married and who are determined not to let you throw in the towel when times get tough. You DEFINITELY do not want that friend who is quick to tell you, "Just let it go," or "Maybe it's time to split ways" in trials and storms. No mam! That's not in line with the word of GOD and therefore you don't need it in your ear.  

Nuggets to remember:
1) Be careful of type of media you are allowing to influence your thoughts, ideas and opinions.

2) Cherish GODLY wisdom gained from others. It will help you navigate through the journey of marriage.

3) Ensure that the people you allow in your ear are speaking in line with the word of GOD, and not contrary to it.

4) Surround yourself with married people and/or a couples that you can go to during hard times who will encourage you in the storm, and not tell you to jump ship.

God Bless!
~CW

#19 ~ Trust GOD's timing!

As you have read in previous posts, I am very much a planner and I love to schedule things for the day, the week and by the hour. At my job, I use Outlook to schedule my day and in my personal life I use Google Calendar. I like to consider myself a very organized individual and I sometimes get frustrated if things don't go according to plan. However, one of the biggest things I have learned in my walk with Christ and ESPECIALLY in my marriage is that we must trust GOD's timing.

GOD is the author of time and therefore is not constrained by our human imagination of how time should be used and constructed. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That means we don't have to plan every single detail of our life. It's always good to be prepared and we know that faith without WORKS is dead. BUT, we also must understand that GOD is sovereign and has the final say! He knows what's best for us and he won't lead us astray.

GOD is a good father and when I think about GOD, I am reminded of how my father and my Papa (my grandfather) used to discipline and teach me when I was a little girl. I often would be eager to do things before I was able to do so i.e. I wanted to drive before I was 16, I wanted to work before I had a work permit and I wanted to mow the yard before my feet could touch the petals. What can I say? I was an eager, outgoing, excited little girl! LOL! I wanted to do it all! I also would go to the store with my dad and ask him to buy me certain things. For example, I wanted a candy bar, a new doll and a smoothie all before dinner. However, my dad would often tell me the consequences of eating sweets before "real food" and the importance of being grateful for my current dolls and taking care of them before asking for more. At the time, I would get upset and even sad because I wanted my plan to work. Yet, I'm grateful that I had a good father who knew the importance of allowing me to grow in maturity before just giving me what I wanted.

My Papa was the same way. Often times before buying me something, he would make me do an evaluation of myself. As a little girl, he would make me think like someone much older. He would ask me how I'd been in school that week and if I thought I deserved whatever I was asking for at that moment. He then would tell me that he wanted me to make sure I took care of the thing for which I was asking and wanted to make sure that I understood the right timing for receiving different things. For example, I couldn't expect a car until I was ready age-wise and maturity-wise. I had to show him that I was ready to start driving and could handle the responsibility associated with having a car. This is exactly how GOD does us!! He allows us to endure tests, trials and pain to MATURE us. It's not to hurt you dear heart. It's all to make you better. (1 Peter 1:7 ~ These [trials] have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.)

Ultimately, GOD has everything in his hands including your life and every part of your journey. He won't allow your purpose to birth inside of you, get you to the point of it being released and not let it come to fruition. (Isaiah 66:9 ~ Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” says the LORD; “shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?” says your God. 

In marriage, I would often want things to happen at a certain time and tried to plan accordingly. I wanted us to own a home at a certain time, pay off our debt by a certain time, be elevated spiritually at a certain time and the list goes on and on. However, I have realized something very essential: GOD is at the head of your marriage. As we submit to GOD, my husband submits to GOD and I submit to my husband, we are in alignment with our purpose to fulfill GOD's call on our lives. Therefore, since we are in order and aligned, GOD will bless us in his timing and according to HIS will. He even uses the tests and trials of our marriage to mature us and ensure that we are ready for what he has in store for us.

My father wouldn't let me drive his car until he saw how I rode a bike. In the same way, GOD ensures that we are ready and prepared for what he has in store for us by pruning us, grooming us and molding us into his image. He knows everything about us because he created us. Further, he knows ALL things about our journey because he's the author of our life's script and he is sovereign. He's an amazing father and knows when and how things should be done in our lives. Therefore, the key is understanding that his plans are to prosper us and not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. Trust in his timing!

I leave you with this word of encouragement over your life: Ephesians 3:20-21 ~ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Nuggets to remember:
1) Don't worry yourself crazy by trying to plan every single detail of your life. It may not always go according to your plan and that's okay.

2) GOD is in control of your life and is SOVEREIGN. Therefore, his plan will always trump yours.

3) But don't worry dear heart. GOD is an amazing father and his plans are to prosper you and not to harm you. He knows best!

4) GOD will allow us to endure things to mature us and to make us better. It's all working together for you good!

#20 ~ The Power of Dynamic Duos by Keith Woodley

Our society has made something very intriguing about two individual lives colliding into one another and somehow, someway they become one. Movies and Television have done an excellent job at exploiting this craving that we have. Throughout entertainment history there has always and will always be a duo we will not forget. Like Batman & Robin, Superman & Lois Lane, Charlie Brown & Snoopy, Mario & Luigi, Kermit the Frog & Miss Piggy, Tom & Jerry… the list can go on and on but I will no longer digress, you get the point. It’s just something about these characters that keep us engaged in their story, sitting at the edge of our sits following their every move. What makes them so engaging? Why are we so enthralled with their stories and what’s happening in their lives?

There are a number of characteristics in these characters that I can highlight.  However, I will just talk about three.

1.     They know their role.

2.     They accept their role.

3.     They excel at that role.

At this point I’m sure you all are wondering what in the world does Tom & Jerry, Batman & Robin, and the rest of these characters have to do with relationships and marriage. Just stay with me, I’m going somewhere.

Genesis 2:15 states: The LORD God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and care for it. (NLT)

The first thing God gave Adam after he created him was his purpose for life. The Lord God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden “…. to tend and care for it.” Adam was doing was he was created to do, what God had purposed for him to do.

Fellas, first thing I would encourage you to do before finding a wife is to find out what your purpose is. What is God calling YOU to do, what is your purpose? That’s the first thing you should find out before bringing a woman into your life.

I know some of you have been praying that the Lord sends you a wife but the truth is you’re not waiting on Him, He’s waiting on you. God will know that you’re ready for a wife when you begin to work in or towards your purpose. Once Adam began to do the work then the Lord responded by saying: “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a companion who will help him.” Gen. 2:18 (NLT)

The Lord saw that is was time for Adam to NOT be alone! Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that marriage is not for everyone and that’s cool. And, for those who have a godly desire to be married, isn’t it dope to know that our Sovereign LORD knows when it’s time for us to NOT be alone?

Get this though, when Eve came, she didn’t leave the garden to do her own thing. Her purpose aligned with Adam’s purpose and even though they had different roles to play, they knew their roles well, accepted them and excelled at them.

Eve didn’t pull Adam away from his calling or purpose. Adam didn’t force Eve to do what he was called to do. His purpose and her purpose both collided into one another. She didn’t feel less than a woman by joining with Adam’s calling and purpose. Adam didn’t change his purpose when God brought him his Eve.  They grew stronger as a unit for God’s kingdom. Look at what scripture says two can do… “One can chase a thousand, two people put ten thousand to flight.” Deuteronomy. 32:30b  (NLT)

Side note: Be very careful of those “False Flagger” individuals who will try to take you away from what the Lord is calling you and do.  The enemy comes in many disguises so be aware and on guard of your calling and purpose because the Lord will use it to bring His plan into fruition to advance His Kingdom. And this is exactly what the enemy does NOT want to happen.

I’ll go more into depth on this topic in my next blog.

I wrote this blog from a place of experience, not just something I heard. I lived this. I was ready to jump the gun a number of times but the Lord pumped my brakes because I wasn't ready. How was the Lord going to bring my helper into my life when she wouldn't know what exactly she was helping? I thought I was ready to get married until I met a woman that showed me I was nowhere near ready. The funny thing is, she didn't say a word but her standard for what the Lord showed her spoke volumes. She knew what she was looking for and I was far from that. I didn't have consistent, stable work. I didn't have a place for us to live. How were we supposed to "leave and cleave" without anywhere to leave to? Lol. The point is... I wasn't ready and the Lord used that situation to get my mind in the right place for marriage. The preparation process took a few years but they were all needed as the Lord placed me in my garden and I began to continue walking in the things the Lord purposed for me.

When that happened, it was easy for me to find my wife and for her to find me. It’s a beautiful thing when you find your “Partner in Crime,” your “Ride or Die.” There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve found mine. God made my wife specifically for me. She is “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”
Kermit the Frog & Miss Piggy, Batman & Lois, and so many others all have a common thread: they knew their role, they accepted their role, and they excelled at it. They knew what they were created for and because of that we all sit back a marvel at how perfectly they compliment each other.

I pray that if or when the Lord sends you that person that you all will make a powerful dynamic duo for the kingdom of God and your lives too will be put on display for the world to see.

Nuggets to remember:

1) Know your role… what is God calling you to do? What is your purpose?

2) Accept your role… Grow in unity with your spouse. Don’t compete.

3) Excel at your role… God intended for you and your spouse to compliment each other and help each other in this journey called life.  Two is always better than one.

God Bless!

~KW

#21 ~ Thou Shall Not Forsake The Date Night

In many of my previous blog posts especially "Carpe Diem," I spoke about seizing the moment and taking time for you and your spouse. I received a lot of responses asking for ideas for date nights. Many people don't like to do the typical dinner and a movie so I decided to dedicate a post to date night ideas. I hope you're blessed and enjoy these!

1) Dinner and a Movie

My husband and I both LOVE watching good movies. So we often go to a nice restaurant for dinner and then head over to a movie. However, at times, our budget has been TIGHT! So to avoid cutting out the entire date night, we may go to a fast food place for food and then just head over to the movies OR we cut out eating out altogether and we just eat at home and then head to the movies. You choose what's best for you and your household budget. But don't throw away the idea altogether if you can help it.

2) Exercise.

I love to do Zumba and my husband loves to play basketball. However, I'm not good at hooping and he's not the most Zumbafied lol. Sooo..we meet in the middle! We do cardio together by doing push-ups, sit-ups, squats and more. Our routine includes a lot of intense, yet fun exercises. And guess what? It makes it so much more fun and motivating when you can do it together. You can encourage each other to keep going, keep moving and finish strong. You also build unity and teamwork amongst you two.

3) Jazz Night/Concert

We loveeeeeeeee Mali Music!! (Hey Mali!! If you ever read this!) So one night, my hubby surprised me with tickets to see Mali Music in concert. It was in a very intimate venue so we were able to truly experience the show and ended up having an amazing time. The tickets were super expensive, but the show was EXCEPTIONAL! Do a little bit of research and you can find great shows for good prices.

4) Obstacle Course

I met my husband at Kids Across America (KAA U-Kno!!) and it was an amazing Christian sports camp. One of the great things about KAA was that they had obstacle courses that were high up in the air and used for team building. My campers would do "the ropes" together and it served as a true teambuilding effort. Girls conquered their fears and others became instant motivators as they navigated their way through the course. This would be an amazing experience for a husband and a wife, creating unity, teamwork and support. Try it! One or both of you may even be able to conquer a fear in the process. Go for it!

5) Wine or Sparkling Cider and Painting

My sister in love hosted a wine/cider and painting night for her birthday and it was a blast! Even better, the owner of the company came to us! We set up downstairs in the basement of my other sister in love's house and had a great time. The painting time was so relaxing and allowed up to have open conversation while our creative juices were flowing. If you're looking for an inexpensive yet relaxing date night and/or if you want to increase/strengthen communication in your marriage, I strongly encourage this activity. Have fun painting away!

6) Walk a trail.

As you embark on this journey together with your spouse, you will encounter bumps, trials, and obstacles. Thus, walking on a trail is such a great date night activity to symbolize that physically. Walking a trail with your spouse cultivates communication, allows you to exercise together and helps you to understand how walking together won't always be easy but can be conquered with oneness. If you see a pool of water on the trail, you have to BOTH go around it. If not, one of you will and the other one will be splashed as a result. Instead, oneness will cause you to be on one accord and escape the obstacles in your way. Very symbolic to what you have to do together in marriage! :-)

7) Play a game.

My husband's side of the family looooooooves playing games when we're all together and I totally understand why. It's sooo fun and truly brings the family together for laughter, fun and healthy competition. I love the game Monopoly, Uno and Twister and my husband never says "No" to a good game, so we love getting our competitive juices flowing with a great game. It's even better when you can compete in a healthy way and talk "junk talk" to your spouse one minute and then give them a kiss the next. Lol! I know...I know....I'm a mushy wife. Play a game together and you'll see what I mean.

8) Talk it out.

That's right! Take a night to chat. This may seem strange or even very simple. However, I encourage you to take a night where you turn off the TV, silence your phone and just talk to your spouse. Remind them of why you married them, tell them qualities that you love about them, goals that you have as a couple, what your favorite song or artist is at the moment, what GOD has been speaking to you lately and more. My husband and I wrote down a list of things that we loved about our marriage and things that we wanted each other to do more in our marriage. It allowed open communication and truly gave us an opportunity to grow as a couple. It was beautiful! Be open and ready to hear and truly listen to your spouse. Communication is key and assumptions are dangerous. So eliminate those assumptions by talking it out.

9) Have a picnic.

This doesn't have to be expensive at all. Find a beautiful park (Millenium Park is ideal here in Chicago) on a beautiful day, grab a bite to eat (Subway or homemade sandwiches), bring a blanket and relax. After eating and chatting with phones on silent, you can both lay on your backs, throw on a pair of shades and look towards heaven while next to each other or you can look at each other. Do whatever makes you the most comfortable but enjoy the beauty of creation and the beauty of your marriage all at the same time.

10) Bake and/or cook a special dish together.

You don't have to be as good as Emeril Live! but have fun and be creative making a delicious dish. You'll be surprised how much fun cooking together can be when you separate the tasks and duties. You can even make the night themed. My husband and I like to do "Taco Tuesdays" and cook Mexican food together. He's GREAT at making guacamole and I love making the taco meat so we turn on Zumba music and go to work! It's super fun as I dance while cooking imagining I'm in Zumba class and he makes jokes while making his infamous dish. Tacos are pretty inexpensive and the entire meal takes 20 minutes at the max. It's a great time together that leaves us both full of joy and full to our stomachs.


Nuggets to remember:
1) Don't forsake your date night. Cherish and protect that time.

2) Get creative with date night! There's so many fun, inexpensive things to do.

3) Date night is a time to relax, communicate and enjoy each other's company.

4) Don't think or plan too much and too strictly. Allow yourself to let loose and have some fun!!

Be blessed!
~CW

#23 ~ Be the G.O.A.T.

I know you are probably wondering what Michael Jordan has to do with a marriage blog, but I will tell you that he has provided a lot of inspiration for the title he holds in basketball as the Greatest Of All Time. Now, I must make it clear that I am a proud Tarheel alum so I am definitely bias as I consider MJ what we call "Tarheel Family." However, statistics, sport reporters and the like all agree that MJ can go down as being one of the greatest basketball players of all time. When I thought about the 23 day mark, I immediately thought of MJ's famous jersey number and title.

I'm sure you're thinking "But what does that have to do with marriage?" Well....it's important to realize that you are your spouse are a TEAM and the only competition between you both should be trying to be the GREATEST HUSBAND or WIFE OF ALL TIME! If you're focused on loving each other on a daily basis to the best of your ability, you will find that your only competition is trying to love them more. When people ask me, "How's married life?" or "What's it like to be married?" I often want to respond with the honest truth so that they understand that marriage is WORK. Marriage is dying daily. No, you won't physically die. However,  if you desire a Godly marriage, you are forced to die to your flesh on a daily basis in order to be more like Christ and mirror his love in your marriage. This often means not always saying exactly what you want to say (Blog Post" "Watch Your Words") but instead either choosing to be silent and pray, or to think first about what you are going to say. (James 1:19 ~ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.)

When I first got married, I put so much pressure on myself to be a perfect wife. I wanted to make sure dinner was cooked every night and that I never burned the food. I wanted the laundry to be washed, dried and folded every Friday, and I wanted everything I said and did to and for my husband to satisfy him. But one day God spoke to me a word of peace. His words hit me with reality: "You're not perfect, you never will be, and THAT'S...O....KAY!" I learned that I would never be a perfect wife and that I didn't have to be. I suddenly realized that my goal before marriage stayed the exact same after marriage: to be like CHRIST. Once you make CHRIST the center of your marriage and your relationships, you learn to love like CHRIST, talk like CHRIST and walk like CHRIST in your daily conversations, actions and deeds.

The greatest person to compare yourself to is CHRIST. He is truly the GREATEST OF ALL TIME because he died so that we may have life and paid the cost for our sins. Because of his great love, we don't have to compare ourselves with anyone. You don't have to be a perfect wife that you've created in your mind or a perfect husband. Your goal is simply to be the greatest wife or husband that YOU can be and to ensure that the only person you aim to be just like is JESUS.

When you feel like you may be putting more pressure on yourself than you should, you have to remember that your spouse chose YOU. Therefore, they love you for who you are: your looks, your personality, your smile, your style, etc. Don't try to be like someone else and don't you dare be intimidated by your spouse's ex or past girlfriends/boyfriends. They are their PAST and you are their FUTURE. Stay focused on increasing the love in your marriage and don't allow the enemy to get a foothold in by letting insecurity, fear and doubt run rampant in your mind. Fear is merely FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL so don't believe the lies. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14 ~ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.) Not to mention, you are made in the image of CHRIST. Therefore, everything about you is mirrored by who HE is. (Genesis 1:27 ~ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.)

Never question whether you are enough or if you are what your spouse wants. They chose YOU and you are a masterpiece created by the greater author, who is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords- GOD. Your only competition is YOU and you are amazing how GOD made you. So work to be the greatest husband or wife of all time like only YOU can. And when you feel like comparing yourself, remember that the only mirror in front of you should reflect CHRIST and HIS image, HIS ways and HIS lifestyle.

Nuggets to remember:
1) Remember that you don't have to be a perfect spouse. You will never be perfect and that's okay!

2) Marriage is dying daily to yourself and becoming more and more like CHRIST.

3) The true G.O.A.T. is Jesus Christ and he's your only comparison!

4) You have no competition but yourself. Only you can be the best YOU!

God Bless!
~CW



#27 ~ "Keep It Up"



Proverbs 12:4 says, "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Whew! Decay is his bones is pretty clear that a disgraceful wife is detrimental to her husband and brings him pain, but what exactly does being your husband's crown mean? Hmmm...Well! Glad you asked! It's one of the main things I learned as I became a wife. Often times, it is human nature to become lazy or lose energy and passion for something once we've had it for quite some time. For some of us, we get bored with something after a few weeks, months or even a few days to the extent we have the mindset "I have it now, so my work is done." Welllll....not quite dear heart.

I desire for us all to be women and men of substance. However, men are very visual! That's the way they were created and designed by God. Therefore, whatever you did to get your husband (that was Godly), keep it up! If you made sure that your hair was done or kept, please don't turn into the 24-7 bonnet queen once you get married. If he loves your maxi skirts in the summer, then maxi it up. Don't fall into the myth that you've got him and you don't need to do any work. That is a LIE. Marriage is work and if you get lazy on a job, your performance and work relationships will suffer! Don't allow the most important job to go lacking. WORK! WORK! WORK! Now, let me put a disclaimer in here to clear up any possible confusion because I know that many women get upset with the thought that they have to keep themselves up to avoid their spouse committing adultery. I am not in any shape, fashion, or form saying that there is EVER justification for a spouse to commit adultery by cheating on his/her spouse. We are instructed in the Word of God to stay faithful to our marital vows and the covenant between a husband and wife.

(Proverbs 5:15-19 ~ You should be faithful to your wife, just as you take water from your own well. And don’t be like a stream from which just any woman may take a drink. Save yourself for your wife and don’t have sex with other women. Be happy with the wife you married when you were young. She is beautiful and graceful, just like a deer; you should be attracted to her and stay deeply in love.)

As you see, the Bible is very clear about staying faithful to your spouse and staying committed to your marriage covenant. However, we have a job to do as well ladies. We must ensure that we keep it up. What is the "it" you ask? Well, only you and your husband know what makes him blush and desire you like never before. Every man has a particular outfit or look that they love to see their wife wear. He may even have a favorite hairstyle, lipstick color or just a thing that you do. If he tells you that he loves your weekly massages, keep it up. Don't let it fall to the wayside because the Lord has blessed you with him and you've "got him." Keep it up. If you always give him a long hug after a hard day of work, and he falls into your arms with comfort, don't forget about those moments and his needs. Keep that stuff up. He'll be forever grateful.

Fellas, I'm sure you love what you've read thus far, but you're not off the hook either. This is for you as well. Keep it up. Always be a student of your wife as you aim to learn different things about her on a constant basis. I learn something new about my husband almost every day. If you pampered her with an occasional mani and pedi date, then keep it up. I understand that financially things may change, but when you have a little extra cash, make sure to do the things that you know she loves. What makes her smile BIG and jump for joy? Is it a day at the spa? New gym shoes or workout clothes? Is it a vacation? Find out and master it. And if you've already learned what makes her overjoyed, keep it up.

Would you let your new car sit without ever taking it to get an oil change or a tune-up or ever taking it to the carwash? I certainly hope not or the car would begin to lose its quality and shine. In the same way, treasure your marriage and remember to "keep it up."

 

 

Nuggets to remember:

1) Ladies, you are his crown. Therefore, YOU make HIM look good. Make sure that you're doing that in your words, actions and appearance.

2) Learn his/her love language if you don't know it already, and be prepared for it to change over the years.

3) Once you learn it, master it and do what you can to appease his/her love language.

4) Whatever you did in the beginning stages, keep it up. ;-)

God Bless!

~ CW